Just before my son was born in January of 2017, I noticed that my relationship with God began to fade away, and I started to battle with anxiety. I will be honest and admit that I let life get the best of me, I let a busy schedule take my time away from God instead of making my schedule around Him. I started leaning on things of the world, rather than the things of God. My pain and emptiness continued, and I began to feel alone. My anxiety got to the point where I would think the worst in every situation. My relationship with my family and friends began to fade, and eventually my anxiety lead me to believe that God didn’t want me anymore, and that I was all alone. I didn’t know what to do, and I was too ashamed to go to anyone without them thinking poorly of me. I tried to reconnect with God, but every single time the enemy would make its way into my head telling me that God wasn’t listening to me. I was hurting and all I wanted was for the pain to stop. I began to have more bad days then good, my boyfriend began to worry about me, because he noticed that something wasn’t right within me. In September of 2018, I remember getting ready for work, and without warning, I fell to my knees and began to cry. I remember crying out loud asking, “God, where are you, and why have you abandoned me?” Instantly I heard God, and He said, “My child, I never abandoned you, I have been here through all of your pain, all of your anxiety and fear. But I can only do so much, and I cannot help you if you will not let me.” And he was right. He continued, “You have tried to come to me, but let the words of the enemy stop you from coming to me wholeheartedly. You only include me in the spiritual parts of your life, when I want to be included in every part of your life. I’ve never left you. You keep trying to find things in this world to make you whole, but the answer is Me. I am waiting for you to acknowledge Me. I want you to be intimate with me in ALL that you do.” In Matthew 11:28, Jesus says, “Come to me, all who are weary and heavy-laden, and I will give you rest for your souls.” Notice Jesus doesn’t say, “Come to me strong, cheerful, calm and untroubled.” It’s the opposite. We’re invited to come to him weary—whether confused, numb, anxious, angry or stressed. Jesus tells us to simply come, as we are. Imperfectly His. I still have bad days, but now I know even on my bad days that I am never alone, and that I can always come to God with my problems. My relationship with God has never been so good, and I am on fire for my Savior like I have never been before.
Gods presence is so powerful. If you are struggling in any way, shape, or form, I encourage you to cast your cares upon the Lord because he is standing there with his arms opened wide waiting for you to experience his love and peace. Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. Philippians 4:6-7
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Over the last couple of years I have struggled with self worth. I had my son when I was 19, and when the news finally came out that I was a mommy, I was judged and belittled. I was asked “how could I do something like this if I was a Christian”, “how could I raise my son to think that it’s okay to have a kid and not be married”, I was told “a real Christian would’ve waited till married to partake in sex and that I should be ashamed”, and I was. I let people tear me down, and eventually I became depressed, had anxiety, and it slowly started to hurt me and my relationships with people around me. I went to a few different churches trying to make it all better and I felt judged, I felt unwelcome and it eventually pushed me away. I quit going to church, I quit reading my bible, I quit praying, I felt like I didn’t deserve Him because of what I have done.
You see this is how the enemy works, the enemy puts these thoughts into your head, to make you think that you are worthless. I tried to depend just on myself. I told myself that I could take care of my own problems without Him. I prayed for things, and when they didn’t happen, I was upset, I thought God was mad at me. But that entire time, God was never mad at me, I lacked faith, I lacked trust in God. Every once in a while I tried to be a better Christian, I tried to read my bible and pray, but that voice would pop back into my head saying that I couldn’t make up for what I did. At the Women of Legacy Conference, a friend of mine came up to me and told me, “God wants to help you, but you have to let Him in order for him to do so. Your past, your mistakes, do not define you, God does not hold things that have happened in your past against you.” At that moment I knew that God was working through her to tell me this. No one had any idea how bad I was struggling mentally and spiritually, but in that moment I knew, God was reaching out to me. God took my unexpected pregnancy and made it into something beautiful. Even though things weren’t always easy, God did not ever let me down. He has always provided for me even when I didn’t see it at the time. Since the conference I have made it my desire to grow in my faith and in my relationship with God. Since then I have notice a light inside of me, a joy I have never experienced before. I have finally opened up and allowed God to live inside me, and everyday I am growing stronger and stronger. I’m saying this because I hope this speaks to someone that may be struggling with their worth, their faith, or their relationship with God. |